


Well I Won't Be Your Winter

by Caledonia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Death Threats, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Kissing, M/M, Magic Revealed, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22266028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caledonia/pseuds/Caledonia
Summary: Stranded in a cave during a winter blizzard, Merlin must use magic to light the fire. He knows this will be a death sentence for himself, but hopefully, Arthur will be saved. But first, Merlin will fulfil the promise he had made himself."I am going to do something now that will make you want to kill me, and then I am going to do something that will make it easier."
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 61
Kudos: 1254
Collections: The Merlin/Arthur Kiss Fest 2019





	Well I Won't Be Your Winter

**Author's Note:**

> *read the tags. threat of execution and Arthur threatens Merlin with a knife*
> 
> Well, I won't be your winter  
> And I won't be anyone's excuse to cry  
> We can be forgiven  
> And I will be here  
>  [-Sister Hazel, Your Winter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dC8OvtFAs78)

"It's no good, Arthur, the wood is too wet," Merlin said, his teeth chattering together. Behind him, Arthur was busy blocking the narrow door to the cave with snow in an attempt to keep out the blistering wind.

The wood they had so laboriously gathered while the blizzard raged was coated in a layer of ice, and Merlin could not get a fire started.

"Let me try," Arthur said, shouldering Merlin out of the way. Arthur took his heavy gloves off to hold the flint and his fingers, like Merlin's, were white with cold. Merlin took up the task of compacting snow into the entrance while, at the back of the small cave, Arthur tried to light a fire. After ten minutes it was clear that there was nothing to be done. Arthur, in his sombre and sincere way, stood and gripped Merlin's shoulder.

"I know what you're going to say," Merlin began, and Arthur gave him that surprised look which meant he was pleased that Merlin knew him so well.

"I will go to Camelot, you stay here, sheltered from the storm."

"You will die out there, Arthur, and I will die, too."  _ Alone _ , Merlin wanted to add.  _ If death is the only option, would it not be better to die together? _

But, of course, it wasn't the only option. Merlin had been able to create fire from nothing since he was a child. And if he did that then only one of them need die. 

But first.

First, he had to fulfil the promise he had made himself.

"Right," Merlin said, his heart beating fast and feeling suddenly warm despite the storm.

"Right, what?"

"I am going to do something now that will make you want to kill me, and then I am going to do something that will make it easier."

"What are you talking about, Merlin?" Arthur asked, and he looked worried. Merlin shook his hands to try to get feeling back into his fingers, though it didn't work.

"Right," Merlin said, then he did something he'd been thinking about doing for months. Years, maybe. He kissed Arthur. It was simple, in the end, once Merlin had made up his mind. He pressed his lips to Arthur’s, and they were surprisingly warm. Arthur tensed and breathed in sharply through his nose, then he stepped back, just as Merlin thought he might, but it was shock and not disgust that painted his face.

“Merlin? What?” 

"And now," Merlin said, closing his eyes as he put a hand up towards the neatly piled, frozen wood and it instantly began to burn.

Two seconds later he felt a blade at his throat. Two seconds, Arthur must have really been feeling the cold, it should have taken him one.

Merlin opened his eyes, wanting to see his prince one last time, but he shouldn't have.  _ There  _ was the disgust he had been waiting for.

The knife bit painfully and Merlin could feel his skin parting beneath the blade.

"Do it quickly, Arthur, please."

"Magic."

"Yes."

"How?"

"I was born like this," Merlin said, thinking  _ please kill me quickly I can't stand to see you look at me lik e that. _

"Why? Why tell me?" 

"Without fire, we'd both would have died. Now you will live."

"Who knows?" 

"Only Gaius."

"No one else?"

"No, no one else."

"No one else in all of Camelot knows?"

"No. Arthur, please, just," Merlin reached out and touched Arthur's hand with both of his, pressing the blade closer, "please."

Arthur held the blade steady, his eyes on Merlin's face, then he lowered his hand. Merlin blinked at him, seething with anger. 

"Am I to be handed over to your father then? To be publicly executed? To be made an example of?" Merlin couldn't help the fear in his voice, and he reached for Arthur's knife. Arthur blocked him, backing away a further step. Merlin’s boiling blood cooled when he saw Arthur looking as though Merlin’s words had caused him physical pain.

“All the time we’ve spent together - you’re a stranger to me. And you don’t know me at all,” Arthur said, and Merlin could hear the heaviness in his voice, the disappointment.

“I have wanted to tell you for a long time.”

“Then why lie?”

“And make you choose between me and your father?”

Arthur flinched almost imperceptibly like he did every time his father was mentioned. Then he looked up at Merlin, his face soft and entirely frightened, his eyes miserable. His blond hair was dark, wet against his forehead, and his face was flushing with the heat of the fire. He walked slowly up to Merlin and pulled at the collar of his jacket, exposing the skin where his blade had struck. Merlin knew there was blood there: he could smell the iron in the air. 

"Why did you kiss me?"

"Well that," Merlin risked a smile, "that I've been wanting to do for years."

Arthur stared at the cut for a long time, his face unreadable, and then he closed his eyes for close to a minute, his hand still on Merlin’s jacket collar, and he sighed like letting go, his whole body moving with it.

“I am not going to kill you, but-"

"Do not send me away."

"You are not safe in my father's kingdom."

"I won't leave you."

Arthur looked angry, frustrated at his strong-willed servant, but Merlin did not back down, not even when Arthur pushed him against the wall of the cave, his hands fisted in his jacket.

"You must go, he will kill you."

"I will never leave you."

"Don't I get a say? I can't-"

Arthur's grip softened and his eyes went dark, fear slipping in, unbidden. His kiss caught Merlin by surprise, his lips hard and rough and warm, still.

When Merlin parted his own lips Arthur shuddered and dipped as though his knees had gone weak. But they were kissing properly now, their mouths moving hungrily against each other, tongues shy at the newness, but bold. Merlin brought his hands up and fisted them both in Arthur's damp hair and Arthur’s hands wrapped around him in a desperate, grasping hug.

When they broke apart, Arthur's face was a ruin of misery, and Merlin's heart danced painfully in his chest.

"If he finds out I will not be able to protect you, and I can't watch you die, Merlin. I'd rather die myself."

"I am not going to be executed. No one else knows. As long as you-"

"I promise you, I never will."

Between them there was only warming air and the crackle of the burning fire. Merlin took his prince's hand, locking their fingers together.

"I trust you, Arthur. I trust you. Do you-” Merlin’s voice broke and he looked down at his hands, both clasped around Arthur’s, “Do you still trust me?”

Arthur reached up and touched the blade mark on Merlin's neck, regret pulling his features towards sadness.

"I'm sorry."

"Watch," Merlin said, and he touched his finger to the tiny wound, whispering the words to bind it closed. Arthur's eyes widened in wonder and a small smile bent his lips before being chased away. Arthur's fingers brushed the newly healed skin, then he began to clumsily unknot Merlin's scarf, which fell to the cave floor. He pulled Merlin's jacket and shirt aside, and he pressed his lips gently, gently against the skin of Merlin's neck.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur repeated, his forehead resting on Merlin’s exposed skin. He uttered a strangled sound and Merlin caught him as they both fell to their knees. He lifted Arthur’s face touching so very gently, and he waited until Arthur looked at him.

“I forgive you,” Merlin said, kissing Arthur, soft as a breath.

“No one can know.”

“I’ve kept my magic hidden since I was a small child, I’ve gotten pretty good at-”

“No, not that. Not about the magic,” Arthur’s eyes roamed down to Merlin’s lips and up again, and he smiled, “about us.”

“Oh, Arthur,” Merlin breathed, his heart swelling to fill every dark space inside him. They kissed again, slow and gentle, the warmth between them putting the glow of the burning fire to shame.

“I am not allowed to be happy,” Arthur said, eventually, the sadness trying to pull him away again, “he will take you away from me, even if he does not know about the magic.”

Merlin knew it was true. As long as Uther lived they could not be together, his father would make sure of that. But that was fine because no one ever needed to know. “We will be careful.”

“I would give you the world if I could.”

“The world?” Merlin said, smiling, trying to get Arthur to smile again, “I’d rather have you.”

“You do. You have. Always,” Arthur said, but he still did not smile.

“Hey,” Merlin said, making Arthur look up, “You’re allowed to be happy with me.”

Arthur’s eyes stared into the darkness for a few seconds longer before he looked at Merlin and smiled, soft and slow. This man, who had been trained to kill since birth but was still so afraid to love... He would need a lot of looking after, but Merlin was more than equal to the task. As the blizzard raged itself into silence and the night fell, Arthur and Merlin stayed close to the fire in the cave. They kissed and touched and talked and smiled, and held each other, and chased away the darkness. 


End file.
